Justin is off working through the night so I get the lovely pleasure of going to bed by my lonesome...oh joy right? Who would've thought that after just 6 months of marriage I would struggle sleeping at night if he wasn't close by?
Can't help lovin' that man :) Needless to say, here I sit, late at night, trying to keep myself entertained because I can't sleep and he won't be home till morning.
Life has been so busy lately that I haven't spent much time reading or "blog-stalking." But this week i've read letters from my missionary brother, a letter from my older brother to my grandpa who passed away, and blog posts of people I love and admire. Coincidence or not, and I think not, what i've read has been right in with thoughts I've been having lately, so I thought it necessary to say something about it.
CHANGE...
Change can be a beautiful thing, expected and planned or not. Life changes when we start and finish school, change jobs, move places, start a diet, make investments, have children, lose loved ones, and in so many other ways. I've personally had so many incredible experiences with change that have helped me grow, learn and live life more fully in the end.
I've been through changes like:
My best friend falling in love, getting married and moving on to stages I couldn't follow her in
Dropping everything and going on a mission for the Lord, then allowing myself to be molded into the woman and servant He needed me to be
Taking a step in following one of hundreds of interests for a career and just hoping it'd work
Living with a man :) Graduating college with many decisions ahead
Pursuing an actual career First death of a person I really knew and loved
Giving my full heart to someone and getting it back from him
and
Seasons being longer than planned and the sun finally coming out :)
Looking back, some of these times have been really hard and some not as much. I do appreciate the changes that have come into my life because I've grown so much. I shouldn't be afraid of change because I know it so well, but here's a secret.....I am.
There's a lot of exciting opportunities and changes ahead for Justin and I in the next few weeks, months and years, but life is just soooo good right now that it's hard to feel entirely gung-ho about really anything different. We do have stresses that can be intense but are pretty laid-back, we laugh and smile all the time and are free to be dorks (though I don't know if that'll ever change :) , do so many things and we can really fix most problems that come up.
Life is beautiful! (My sister's words, but it's true!)
What I'm afraid of are not the structural changes, like our schedules, our jobs, our home, and other things, though those can be scary too. I'm most afraid of
US changing from our beautiful life along with the other changes.
A woman I really admire lost her baby last year in an accident and since then has noticed a lot of changes, in herself, her husband, their relationship, dreams, and
everything else. It was a huge change and trajedy for them that it's no wonder so much was affected and so deeply. Her words say it so well and is especially what I'm afraid of, through her same situation or another.
She said,
"For months I haven't been able to look at pictures from before the accident.
I miss the light and happiness in our eyes, especially his. I can see we laughed more often, life seemed so light and happy. Now, when looking at pictures of myself I want to scream and warn myself to not take those precious moments for granted. To hold my baby and never let go. And when I look at those pictures I realize that before the accident
there was never a problem that I couldn't really fix. Now, I realize that there is nothing I can do to fill that gaping hole in my heart.
Now, not all change happens to this heartbreaking extent, and when it does I know the Lord will strengthen us to be able to bear it in some form as he's strengthened her, but things still change and can be difficult.
Maybe I'm just taking a sentimental moment while my husband is away to be grateful for him and all the other changes that've happened in my life to make it so beautiful right now. Either way, it is how it is- change can be super exciting but very scary and either way we need to move forward with it and take the opportunities that are right to help us grow. Life goes on and if it changes from beautiful to something else for awhile, there is always the hope and promise that it will be beautiful again, a different beautiful but beautiful nonetheless.
I may still be afraid of changes when I expect them or anticipate them, and life is guarunteed to be hard at times. But, throughout it all the sun does shine one way or another and everything will work out for the best in the grand scheme of things.
To keep life beautiful when change happens, create it that way for every minute of every day.